When starting law school, there is a common assumption you will finally be relieved of all the math and science you dreaded through undergrad and before. But little did you know, law school is just another three years of equations and balancing tests. In Torts, you deal with Judge Hand’s negligence formula. In Con Law, you use the Pike balancing test. Even in Lawyering you are supposed to balance all these factors in some sort of totality of circumstances way.
I’ve come to accept I will never escape these scientific formulas. Instead, I decided to enjoy the math and science of law school. This led me to my greatest law school accomplishment: the Coffee Consumption Calculation. Unlike these other law school formulas, this five-part test is absolutely crucial to functioning properly in law school. It has been tested for approximately two full semesters, and I assure you it is infallible.
Keep track of your points carefully:
What half of the semester are you in?
- 2 point for first half
- 3 points for second half
What day of the week is it?
- 5 points for Monday
- 4 points for Tuesday
- 3 points for Wednesday
- 2 points for Thursday
- 1 point for Friday
How many hours did you sleep last night?
- 0 points for 8+ hours
- 1 point for 6-8 hours
- 2 points for 4-6 hours
- 3 points for 2-4 hours
- 4 points for 0-2 hours
How many classes do you have today?
- 3 points for 1-3 classes
- 4 points for 3-5 classes
- Don’t get out of bed for 5+ classes
- OCI day: Cut the points in half so you don’t squirm all interview
- If you’re “up” in class: Add 1 point
- Have a lot to drink last night? Add 2 points
- Sitting in one of the freezing rooms for class? Add 2 points
Add up all your points.
- Every 4 points = 1 pot of coffee
- An extra 2 points adds 1/2 pot
- 1 extra point adds a shot of espresso
Example 1: 13 points = 3 pots plus 1 point leftover adds 1 shot of espresso.
Example 2: 14 points = 3 pots plus 2 points leftover adds 1/2 pot of coffee.
Disclaimer: Please keep in mind this calculation is a bare minimum. Nothing, including this calculation, is keeping you from drinking more coffee as needed.
— Ashley Akers is a first-year law student and KU Law Student Ambassador from Casper, Wyoming.